(Photo: chillin in the birth tub....midwife checking baby's heartbeat)
On our 7-minute drive up to our hillside retreat (aka “the Perch”), our birthing place, we were excited about meeting our baby- possibly that night! When we turned onto the street of the Perch, we saw a mama deer and baby fawn prancing by the car. This beautiful sight felt like an omen just for us.
Once we arrived at the Perch, my body was able to relax, and it felt like this is probably (but still not definitely) “it.” I had texted my doula Janice earlier asking her to wait to come, but at 7:36 I texted her, “I think it may be a good idea to come now,” recognizing how we still had so much to do to set up, and it felt too much to be doing everything ourselves. I wondered if she could come and even leave again if the birthing didn’t really begin..
What I remember about that time is the excitement and busyness of me and Michael working together to set up our space, and every few minutes dropping down to lay over the birth ball or the bed and to breathe through the wave. Then I would get back up and continue preparing.
One thing I was very adamant that we get done before the baby was born was the belly cast, which was a gift from a dear friend. I had it on my calendar to “do belly cast” on Saturday June 29 (the following day). Of course (so I thought) the baby would be arriving between July 1 and 8, I was certain of it. So the fact that the belly cast was still unopened in the box and I was likely about to not be pregnant any more made the belly cast project an urgent priority!
There was so much to do… especially filing the birth tub which required boiling pots of water since the Perch water heater was small. But I was adamant the belly cast be a priority, and with Michael not understanding I kept having to redirect him. By the time we were able to do it, I was no longer able to sit in a chair. Janice suggested we do it standing in the bathroom. Great idea as it was quite messy. Looking back, I was likely about 7 cm dilated by this time, and each time a wave came, it was really challenging not to move my body at all with these cool plaster strips on me. Still, I continued telling Michael how important this was as he begrudgingly placed the plaster strips on me while rolling his eyes. During the belly cast project I was using my mind-body connection to divert or slow down the waves as it was really uncomfortable to feel them when I couldn’t move my body freely.
Once the belly cast was done, I showered off the plaster and decided it was time to start listening to hypnobabies. There was a lot of clanging and bagging going on in the kitchen and living room, so I used my waterproof headphones I bought for Skyden’s birth in 2017 but had never used once.
Soon after the shower I laid down in the bedroom. Michael brought me the peanut ball. I had on the hypobabies headphones while Michael was working on the tub and Janice was hanging birth affirmation cards, strings of lights, tea candles, lighted trees, and beautifying our sacred space.
Next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and Jinny was there. Just after 10:30 pm, she was observing me, trying to figure out where I was at. I was completely quiet, just breathing with my eyes closed, while continuing to have birthing waves that had that extra little edge on them.
Jinny asked me “How are you doing.” I answered “fine”. Fine because what else is there to say while in labor?
She listened to the baby with the doppler, and said she wanted to also listen through a wave. She mentioned she could check to see how dilated I was. Or, she said, she really didn’t have to check. I told her yes at that point, I really wanted to know where I was at. I was completely shocked when she said “no cervix left. You’re pretty much fully there.”
I said “Like, 10 cm?”
She said “Yes, about 9 and 3/4”
I told Jinny “That’s crazy. It hasn’t bene intense yet!” She said, “Well, I guess you’re getting your pain-free birth.”
She said “If you want, you can try starting to push.”
And I said “I don’t feel any urge to push.”
If I had had to guess, I would have said maybe 4 cm at that point.
The next hours were just this unusual flow of waves (not too close together at all) while I tried my best to keep the birth progressing and to help baby move down more into my pelvis. It felt like his head was miles away. My body had it’s own timing and I also had to listen to that. Michael and I did some slow dancing, and he was awesome with the hip squeezes and leg massages, especially while I was kneeling laying over a bed. I wasn’t sure if I should be trying more active positions or simply trying to get some rest, because I was exhausted from losing sleep the night before.
The assistant midwife, Amaya, arrived at 11:15pm. I was happy to see her, as she had 25 years of experience and was the top expert of suturing in the Bay Area, in case I would need stitches. The combination of Jinny’s warmth and Amaya’s extensive experience felt like a perfect combination.
It was five hours between finding out I was 10 centimeters and the baby’s birth. It felt very long. I wondered when I would ever have the baby. I hoped he could at least be born by sunrise, by at latest 5:30 am.
In the darkest hour of night, not knowing what to do to progress baby’s birth and with all the people in the home waiting, I thought maybe going on a walk would be a good idea. So, without any pants on (because my pants never came back on after that cervical check), Michael and I went out on the deck under all the stars. I leaned over the banister while having 3 waves spaced a few minutes apart.
Everything was still feeling pretty mild at this point for me. Maybe even a little slowed down. I was used to having birthing time go in a progression from mild to intense, so it was strange that I had this long “break,” so to speak. At one point Amaya asked me if I had any mental blocks against pushing, that maybe I was stopping it from happening by wanting to avoid it.
I answered “No, not at all. I want the baby to come out!” But it still felt like the baby’s head was a mile from being pushed out. I didn’t feel any pressure from baby’s head and also didn’t feel it was due to a mental block.
I noticed the unused yoga sling Janice had brought and thought that perhaps some positions on it could help the baby come down. All that happened in the yoga sling was I just kept yawning over and over as I leaned back on the sling. I was so tired. I considered falling asleep and waking up to have the baby in the morning. But it felt like too much work to start over, I had already fully dilated!
Around maybe 1 am, Michael said he was tired and asked if it was a good time to take a nap. I couldn’t quite believe my ears. At the same time, it would take more pressure off me if he was sleeping. Plus Amaya had left to go sleep in her car. (She had first suggested she go home but I told her that her going home made me too nervous since in advance we had talked about her coaching me through pushing.).
So with Michael asleep in the other room, I decided to lie down on the twin bed and Janice suggested having the peanut ball under my top leg. I tried to rest. She continued to stand and circle and rock the peanut ball, which was such a unique sensation. Instead of having pressure waves every few minutes, it was like I had one gurgling, burbling mild but quite uncomfortable pressure wave the entire time she was doing this. I could feel that the baby was coming down and down, and I was thinking how inviting the birth tub, right next to me, was looking.
While I was lying on my side, I started to go in and out of dreams. I remember dreaming about orange juice and the kids, and then I remember waking up because I really couldn’t sleep now. I had to get the baby out.
Looking back, I could see how the five hours of a “lull” gave my body a chance to gain strength and regain energy for the most intense part, which was to come. I think it was a combination of my body’s wisdom knowing exactly what it needed as well as the baby’s decision to be born the following day, as he easily could have been born on June 28th if it had gone the way my two previous births had gone.
When I got into the birth tub, at 1:42 am, it was so quiet aside from the sacred chanting music. The playlist that Michael had made for our birth was so perfect, comforting, and harmonizing. The chanting filled all the space in the room and I started really communicating with my baby. At this point I was pretty sure he was a boy. I felt strong boy energy.
The waves that started in the birth tub were more intense than anything before, yet still not painful. I started to make low toning sounds through each one. Janice and Jinny were so attentive to my every need at this point as I asked for sips of laboraid, coconut water, for the birth tub to be warmer and more filled up, etc. I got into a rhythm and a dance in that tub. I flowed through positions like a full squat and runners lunges with one or the other foot out in between the pressure waves. Then, when the wave would start, I’d rock forward with the center of my forehead- my third eye, pressing into the edge of the birth tub, my toes tucked under bracing myself. I continued to have low toning sounds, which I tried my best to focus on instead of the intense sensations.
Once I got into the tub, I also had Janice switch the hypnobabies track to “pushing baby out,” and I really enjoyed listening and focusing on the cues as I flowed and danced in the water.
I asked for somebody to get Michael to see if he could be sleeping in the bed next to the birth tub. I wanted him closer, even if he was sleeping. He walked over, plopped down on the twin-sized bed next to the tub, and continued to sleep. I wondered if he would sleep through our baby’s birth!
There were lots of memorable moments from that time in the birth tub. Jinny rocking in the chair and at that time reminding me of a comforting grandmother as she rocked. Janice putting the fan and cold washcloths on me because at that point I was too hot instead of too cold. And when in between the intense waves I said to Jinny “I feel like I’m on a vacation!, like I’m relaxing in a hot tub.”
What was unique about this birth experience, especially compared to my other births, is that I was so coherent throughout the whole thing. In between every wave I was talking and acting totally normal, as if it were just another day. I was not in some far away, internal world.
The quiet of nature, the sacred chanting music, and the vibe of the birth sanctuary we created was so so beautiful. But I was also getting impatient and even a bit worried that the baby wasn’t born yet. As the hours went by, I asked Jinny if she’s ever seen this before- fully dilated and baby still not born hours later. She said it was unusual and something she doesn’t see often. But baby’s heartbeat was sounding fine and my body had it’s own timing.
The waves starting getting more intense…I had to make low toning sounds to get through them, and after two repeats of Hypnobabies “Pushing Baby Out” track I didn’t repeat it a third time. I started wishing I wasn’t in labor. It was getting too intense and each pressure wave was just coming and coming, who knew for how long. What if it was hours more?? I imagined regular life, taking a morning walk at Valley Vista, and other daily life activities while NOT in labor, and that sounded like such a treat. Just to feel comfortable and at ease in my body, instead of these powerful sensations over and over. I knew that this self-doubt was likely the sign that baby was coming very soon.
At some point my vocalizations woke Michael up and he came to be right in front of me at the birth tub. I asked him later, and he said he was extremely glad that my sounds woke him up, so he could be with me as the birthing experience became more heightened. In the in-between intervals, I sat/squatted in the birth tub, and during the pressure waves I leaned forward in the water directly towards Michael, sitting in front of the tub.
Jinny and Amaya were now around the tub behind and to the side of me. Mostly they were quiet, and sometimes I asked them questions about when I should start pushing. They told me to listen to my body… I started feeling like I could push. At the height of the waves, I now felt I could activate those muscles, thought it was still completely voluntary.
I asked Michael to massage my temples, side of my head, and jaw, as the sensations got stronger. He did, and never really stopped until our baby was born.
The sensations rose until one pressure wave when my active push resulted in the ultimate level of pain. Looking back, this was at 3:14 am. A complete shock, it was a feeling of water gushing out which lasted for a few seconds of searing pain, and I continued to yell “Owwww.” The midwives tried to reassure me that it was my water breaking, and now baby would be coming very soon.
This was likely the most painful part of the whole experience, even more than the baby crowning and being born…. which wasn’t far away now. This same intensity of the water breaking has happened in my other two births as well. The good news is that once the pain from the water breaking stopped, it was gone. So crazy painful…and then it’s just not there. No lingering pain.
After the water breaking, the rest happened fast. A few more pushes…feeling the head crowning. I also felt the midwife’s fingers as she was supporting my tissues so that I might tear the minimum as I pushed. There was so much out-of-this world sensation at this point that I just wanted to get through it and be done.
Sensations were so intense I said out loud that I would not have another baby - no way! I had those same exact thoughts during Skyden’s birth, so hopefully I’ll forget.
The last two pushes before Solari’s head came out, I was giving everything I possibly could. The sounds from my whole body and voice at this time, according to Michael, sounded like classic birthing scenes in a movie. It can’t be compared to other sounds. Combined with deep rhythmic breathing, as encouraged by the midwives, I made total wild-grunty-shrieky ultimate feeling sounds as I accessed every possible iota of strength.
After my water broke, the first couple of pushes I was able to relax those muscles in between. However, there was then a push that l could no longer do that. Jinny said my pelvis was “full of baby.” I wasn’t able to relax in between, not a comfortable feeling! I just needed to do a really strong push to get his head out.
That is when I leaned forward and instead of bracing downward with my toes tucked under and knees down on the birth tub floor as I had been doing, I put all my weight into Michael, and thanks to the levity of the water, my whole body lifted up a few inches in the tub while I was pressing my arms into Michael's arms and my head into his hands. It was the most unusual feeling to be weightless in the water while activating every muscle to bear down.
On another level, joining together like that was a powerful experience for both of us. Michael was committed to being a rock for me physically and I could feel it. We later reminisced about those moments being a cosmic transmission where we combined together and he transferred strength into me, boosting the power to the level needed to birth our baby.
Physically I couldn’t feel exactly what was going on, but was ecstatic to hear from Jinny that the baby’s head was out. I remember questioning her about it — “The head is out??” and she told me I could reach down and feel the head. I couldn’t believe how soft and silky baby’s head and hair felt. Although all through the birth I had been feeling boy energy, with that soft head, for a brief moment, I thought maybe it was a girl. I didn’t feel an immediate urge to push again, but with the baby’s head out the midwives were encouraging me to do so. I tried to push without an internal urge from my body, but it wasn’t an “everything” push.
After just a little bit longer, Jinny said something like, “If baby doesn’t come out now, then you’ll have to get out of the tub.”
(Later, Jinny explained that in that moment, with me in the tub she couldn’t see information she would need to check to ensure a safe birth. She didn’t know that his hand was up by his face, and thought maybe his shoulders were stuck- which they weren’t. His right hand was by his face.)
So, I accessed my strength by telling myself this was a life-or-death situation. I knew how much I wanted to hold my baby in my arms (right where I was), so I pushed in a continual push-push-push with each one building on the next, without relaxing in between and drawing upon more and more unfathomable strength in between, with loud wild animal roars for as long as it took, like I’ve never exerted before in my life.
And he was out! At 3:27am.
I reached down to pull his body up from the water and held him next to my chest, and Michael came next to me, right outside the tub. It was the absolute most beautiful and satisfying moment. Solari’s eyes were open and he was looking right at me, alert and focused. It was truly pure bliss!!!
We reveled in those first moments. Solari let out his first cry. He coughed a little. We were in awe. Michael’s sound at the first moment he saw Solari come out of the water was a long gasp.
The placenta cord felt a little short and I couldn’t figure out how to sit comfortably in the tub with baby’s head above the water. I didn’t check baby’s gender and was just so enamored by this cute little face and mini human being that I just birthed!!! What a miracle it is to create life.
Six minutes later, I started feeling some pretty strong cramps. Jinny told me it’s likely time to push out the placenta. I felt an immediate avoidance of that idea “Oh no, another push?!) She told me don’t worry, it’s going to feel good. It’s true, it felt strangely good, like a big squishy bag leaving me. Nothing like I might have worried about. She told me there was a tiny piece of placenta left, and I needed to cough, and then it did come out fully.
After the placenta was birthed, I transitioned out of the birth tub and onto the twin bed. With Solari in my arms and the placental in the bowl, Michael helped me lift up from sitting in the birth tub, and to step out one leg at a time. I walked with support to the bed where I lay back and Solari was right on my chest. After a few minutes I wanted to know if baby’s gender, and I took a peek. With it being the middle of the night and very dim lighting I thought I saw a boy…but couldn’t be sure. So Michael came closer, and someone brought a flashlight…and yes! Lo and behold, a boy!!!
The next few hours many things happened in a blur as I held my baby on my chest. The midwives checked for tears, and although there were 3 places with very small tears I would not need stitches!! That’s a first for me! They explained that the tearing had nothing to do with my pushing (I had a real goal of being thoroughly coached while pushing so I would not tear), but rather had to do with baby’s hand being by his head, making the small tears inevitable.
Michael had some time holding Solari while I went to the bathroom to pee.
We cut his cord 2 hours after birth with a “Welcome to the world!!”
And we made our way into the bedroom where I was brought a delicious dragonfruit smoothie (Medical Medium Liver Rescue smoothie) and 3 homemade vegan gluten-free raspberry muffins warmed with coconut oil and honey which I had made and frozen weeks prior. Yum!
Solari was weighed and measured, and a brief newborn exam was done.
We were all surprised to see he weighed way more than any of us would guess, 9 lbs and 14 oz!! He seemed SO tiny to me, my guess was 6-7 lbs. Even the other midwives whom I asked to guess (right before he was weighed), guessed around 8lbs.
He was LONG, 22 inches, taking after Mom and Dad.
After the newborn exam Jinny said “He’s perfect.” and it is true.
Our baby boy Solari Wave is just that! Absolute perfection.
An empowering, incredible birth that showed me the power of listening to my body and a beautiful boy to raise in our family (AND…the chance to have another baby to try for a girl! Hehe.)
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